A Visit to Hell

Now for something completely different.

I am a fan of Google Earth. It's about as close to a world tour as I'm ever going to get. Sometimes I like to type a random word into the search line on it to see where I go.
Today, I typed in "hell."
Naturally, it took me to Michigan.
It was quite an interesting place. After viewing it on Google Earth, and reading up on it on Wikipedia, I know now why so many people have suggested I go there.
Hell, Michigan is nestled in the woods of Livingston County, about thirty miles northwest of Ann Arbor (home of the University of Michigan) and about sixty miles from Detroit. Somehow, it seems appropriate that both these places should be located so close in proximity to this little town. Though it is not a large place, it does have an official post office and a weather bureau site. The people who live there call themselves "hellions."
There are three theories as to how it got its name. The most flattering explanation is that a pair of German immigrants stopped nearby. One said to another the German phrase "so schon hell!" which means "So beautifully bright!" locals heard it and liked it, so the name stuck. Another explanation is that early settlers gave named the town in honor of the weather conditions in January, when there are many cold days in Hell.
That may be, but I prefer the third explanation. A man named George Reeves settled there in 1838. He set up a sawmill, store, and gristmill. Farmers brought their wheat and corn to the mill. The wheat wound up as flour, but much of the corn was turned into distilled whisky. Many farmers would bring their grain to Mr. Reeves mill, and return home in an inebriated state. When neighbors asked their wives what happened to them, they would reply "Ah, he's gone to hell!"
So it was that in 1841 when a mapmaker came through and asked Mr. Reeves what his town should be labeled, he replied "'Call it hell, for all I care. Everyone else does. "So it became officially the only Hell on earth.

There isn't much in Hell, I'm afraid. But here are a few of the local attractions:

• There is a highway to Hell. It is County Road D32, also called (oddly enough) Darwin Road. It is paved with asphalt, not good intentions.
• There are no churches in Hell, which is unusual for a town that size. The house of worship closest to Hell is Kingdom Hall of the Jehovah's Witness. (Didn't you always know it?)
• Hell's playground has a swing set, a slide, and monkey bars.
• Screams Ice cream parlor is one of two popular eateries in town. The other is the Dam Site Inn, which overlooks an artificial lake. It is filled with water, as not (so far as I know) fire.
• The official Hell website, www.hell2u.com, has a store, which sells Hellish merchandise--T shirts, horn coverings (hats), and mugs that say "One Hell of a drink." There is a special section for items that are $6.66 and under.
• You can become mayor of Hell for a day, for a reasonable price. One woman was given this honor on her birthday for her husband. She was unable to visit the town in person to claim her honor, but her husband assured her that this was all right. That day, he would make her feel as if she were there herself.

So the next time someone tells you to go to Hell, be assured that the local townspeople will give you a warm welcome there. I know that Joy and l plan to visit Hell on our next trip to Michigan, so we can say we've been to Hell and back.
Come to think of it, that pretty much describes our last trip to Michigan.