One of the good things about being a preacher is that you really don't have problems--just future sermon illustrations. So one day, I'll be using this last vacation in many a future sermon. In fact, I've already put one incident in my future file. It happened last Tuesday, when Joy and I were visiting her family in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Her 82 year old father is an amazing man. He is still playing the trumpet in at least three marching bands. At one time, he was playing in more. I deeply admire him for his love of life and music, but I must confess I do not share his enthusiasm for band music. He has been known to listen to it for three hours straight. My limit is about ten minutes.
Anyway, last Tuesday night, the band he was supposed to be playing with had planned a seven o'clock outdoor concert in a park about twenty miles away, in the city of Wyoming. We could tell he really wanted us to go, so we agreed to go and listen. It was a sunshiny Michigan summer afternoon, but there were dark clouds on the horizon. The weather bureau had put us under a severe thunderstorm warning and a tornado watch. They called a few band members, and no one knew whether it was being called on account of weather. They had been told in case of inclement weather to go where the concert was and wait for instructions. So he decided he wanted to go anyway. Joy and I went in our own car, and my in-laws went in theirs.
As we traveled west towards the park, the weather deteriorated rapidly. Dark clouds gathered at an alarming rate. Lightning lit the sk. It was beginning to look like something out of the book of Revelation. It was soon clear that the band concert was not going to happen.
But my father-in-law was going anyway.
My in-laws do not possess a cell phone so there was no way to call and tell them we were going back. Besides we were worried about them. We could tell this was going to be an ugly one. We could see the hook formations in the sky that are potential tornadoes. We kept going because we wanted to keep an eye on them.
My mother-in-law pled with him to turn around, but he was determined to go on. They were to meet at the place, and meeting at the place was what he was going to do. Besides it had not yet started raining.
When we got within about a mile, it started raining. Buckets, sheets, and waterfalls of rain. The wind whipped the tried around like blades of grass. At that point, my father in law, whom we werefollowing, pulled into a CVS drugstore parking lot. I followed him. He opened the window and said cheerily over the screaming storm, "Guess we ought to turn around." Then he rolled up his window and took off for home.
I was not about to drive through that mess. I pulled in behind the CVS, beside a large concrete wall., to wait out the storm. At that moment, disaster struck. An oak tree, which had been growing in a neighbors yard for at least forty years, suddenly decided to break. The main part of it fell over the wall, and onto the hood of our car. It took two men to get it off, so we could get out of there. A branch penetrated my windshield just above my head. Praise God, no one was hurt. The damage was repaired well enough for us to get home. The dents will be fixed later. My father- in- law made it home just fine.
But the whole incident seemed eerily familiar to me. Then I realized that what I had was our own Abilene paradox.
The Abilene Paradox is a leadership principle coined by Dr. Jerry Harvey in his book of the same name. it explains how a group of people can get together and pursue a course that none of them want, to an end that none of them desire. It comes about when everyone is afraid to say "no" to others.
My father-in-law did not want to go out in that mess. He just did not want to let his friends down. We did not want to go, but we did not want to let him down. Four consenting adults were out in a storm doing something that not one of us wanted to do. We just did not want to say "no."
One of the most destructive forces in the world, one that does more damage than any others, is niceness. I don't mean compassion or empathy, or even good manners. I mean niceness--the compulsion we have to be liked and to be well thought of. None of us want to be disagreeable. So whenever someone in our family or on a church board makes a suggestion, no matter out casual or silly, there is a part of most of us that wants to go along. For that reason, we frequently find ourselves in corporate predicaments. No one wants to say no to a family member, a friend, or a boss. But how do we, if it is the best thing for us to do? We go along, because we have not adequately prayed and thought through an issue. So in the end, we find ourselves in a storm, and pay the price.
Problems in any organization usually start with small, careless decisions. We let bad influences in. We keep good ideas out. We keep going down the path of least resistance, even if it leads to a cliff. In the end, we forget what got us there in the first place-- that it was our niceness that caused us to go along.
I cannot help, every time I look at the dents on my car, to regret my decision just to go along that night. But in a way, I am glad it happened. God took care of us, and taught us a valuable lesson besides.
Maybe next time, I'll have the good sense to say "no."
Anyway, last Tuesday night, the band he was supposed to be playing with had planned a seven o'clock outdoor concert in a park about twenty miles away, in the city of Wyoming. We could tell he really wanted us to go, so we agreed to go and listen. It was a sunshiny Michigan summer afternoon, but there were dark clouds on the horizon. The weather bureau had put us under a severe thunderstorm warning and a tornado watch. They called a few band members, and no one knew whether it was being called on account of weather. They had been told in case of inclement weather to go where the concert was and wait for instructions. So he decided he wanted to go anyway. Joy and I went in our own car, and my in-laws went in theirs.
As we traveled west towards the park, the weather deteriorated rapidly. Dark clouds gathered at an alarming rate. Lightning lit the sk. It was beginning to look like something out of the book of Revelation. It was soon clear that the band concert was not going to happen.
But my father-in-law was going anyway.
My in-laws do not possess a cell phone so there was no way to call and tell them we were going back. Besides we were worried about them. We could tell this was going to be an ugly one. We could see the hook formations in the sky that are potential tornadoes. We kept going because we wanted to keep an eye on them.
My mother-in-law pled with him to turn around, but he was determined to go on. They were to meet at the place, and meeting at the place was what he was going to do. Besides it had not yet started raining.
When we got within about a mile, it started raining. Buckets, sheets, and waterfalls of rain. The wind whipped the tried around like blades of grass. At that point, my father in law, whom we werefollowing, pulled into a CVS drugstore parking lot. I followed him. He opened the window and said cheerily over the screaming storm, "Guess we ought to turn around." Then he rolled up his window and took off for home.
I was not about to drive through that mess. I pulled in behind the CVS, beside a large concrete wall., to wait out the storm. At that moment, disaster struck. An oak tree, which had been growing in a neighbors yard for at least forty years, suddenly decided to break. The main part of it fell over the wall, and onto the hood of our car. It took two men to get it off, so we could get out of there. A branch penetrated my windshield just above my head. Praise God, no one was hurt. The damage was repaired well enough for us to get home. The dents will be fixed later. My father- in- law made it home just fine.
But the whole incident seemed eerily familiar to me. Then I realized that what I had was our own Abilene paradox.
The Abilene Paradox is a leadership principle coined by Dr. Jerry Harvey in his book of the same name. it explains how a group of people can get together and pursue a course that none of them want, to an end that none of them desire. It comes about when everyone is afraid to say "no" to others.
My father-in-law did not want to go out in that mess. He just did not want to let his friends down. We did not want to go, but we did not want to let him down. Four consenting adults were out in a storm doing something that not one of us wanted to do. We just did not want to say "no."
One of the most destructive forces in the world, one that does more damage than any others, is niceness. I don't mean compassion or empathy, or even good manners. I mean niceness--the compulsion we have to be liked and to be well thought of. None of us want to be disagreeable. So whenever someone in our family or on a church board makes a suggestion, no matter out casual or silly, there is a part of most of us that wants to go along. For that reason, we frequently find ourselves in corporate predicaments. No one wants to say no to a family member, a friend, or a boss. But how do we, if it is the best thing for us to do? We go along, because we have not adequately prayed and thought through an issue. So in the end, we find ourselves in a storm, and pay the price.
Problems in any organization usually start with small, careless decisions. We let bad influences in. We keep good ideas out. We keep going down the path of least resistance, even if it leads to a cliff. In the end, we forget what got us there in the first place-- that it was our niceness that caused us to go along.
I cannot help, every time I look at the dents on my car, to regret my decision just to go along that night. But in a way, I am glad it happened. God took care of us, and taught us a valuable lesson besides.
Maybe next time, I'll have the good sense to say "no."
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