Church Signs

I was going to church last week and noticed a church sign I did not recall seeing before. It was a church called "Harvest Time Assembly of God." Harvest time I thought-- what an interesting name. I don't recall ever seeing a Presbyterian church named "harvest" anything. Somehow, it didn't fit to say "Harvest Time Episcopal Church" either. It's a good name, especially for a country church. But I wonder sometimes how an unbeliever might like being compared to wheat or radishes. We Christians know what it means, but does anyone else?


That got me thinking about church names. What do they say about the our congregations? We choose them because we want to say something about who we are and what we believe. But what are we saying?

Here are several kinds of church names:

Place names. This is by far the most common kind of church names, Oak Grove Methodist, Five Points Baptist, Grover's Corner Lutheran Church. These are "vanilla" church names. They can be used for any kind of church from Catholic to Jehovah's Witness. They are low profile names, sensible names, which say "Look, here is where we are. Other than that, we're not real sure what we are, either."

Number names. Every town has a First Baptist or a First Methodist. Usually a Second Baptist, too. Bigger towns may even have a third or a fourth, or maybe a tenth. I presume in most cases, they refer to the order they established, and not the quality of preaching or music. I wonder if first churches have big rubber hands in their pews so the congregants can hold them in the air and chant "We're Number 1! We're number 1!" I don't know, maybe the number refers to their flight order in the Rapture.

Biblical names. Most of them are pretty standard--Antioch, Smyrna, Shiloh, Bethany. Occasionally you run into a weird one. I have a friend who pastors Hephzibah Presbyterian Church. I'm not making that up. I wonder how many people ask what a "hephzibah" is.

Virtue names. "Faith", "Hope," "Fellowship," " Grace", "Peace." Of all the church names, these are my favorite. These names tell us what values they are attempting to display. When they work well, they give the outsider a little taste of what goes on inside.

This category of names does produce some of the funniest names. I once saw a church "Little Hope Baptist Church." What were they thinking when they named that one?

Some churches get carried away with this. They want to put their entire creed on their signs, such as "Fire-Baptized Church of he New Jerusalem and Eternal Security (Reformed)" There seems to be a rule somewhere that the length of the name is inversely proportionate to the size of the church. I can say this, being the pastor of Oak Ridge Associate Reformed Presbyterian Church.

Saintly names. These are church named after saints. "St Thomas" "St Catherine" "St Giles." These churches probably have a reason for naming them after these saints, but unless you happen to possess a fairly detailed book of church history, no one can figure out what it is.

Catholics have a peculiar way of naming churches after Mary--actually, after lots of Marys. For example-- "Our Lady of Lourdes" "Our Lady, Empress of the Americas." Isn't she the same Mary?

Incidentally, this category produced my all time favorite church name in Central Florida --"Mary, Queen of the Universe." It sounds more like an action figure than the Mother of God.

Memorial churches. "Rogers Memorial" "Grier Memorial" etc. These names carry the important and inspiring message "Some rich dead guy may or may not have gone here." As church names, these names are a bust. They do make impressive tombstones, though.

Cool names. These are the latest thing in Church names--the contemporary church names. These names seem to have been run by a focus group for maximum audience appeal. The one rule about these names is that they must not have the name "church" in them. That's a no-no, because the goal of these names is to conceal the fact that they are a church until the last minute, when the sinner is caught and cannot get out. They are Venus fly-trap churches, luring the unsuspecting sinner into their web of holy deceit.

These churches names appear to be named by randomly opening a dictionary and pointing to a random word on the page. "Element" "Tapestry," Elevation," and "Communitas." Up the street from me is a church named "Five Smooth Stones." The biblically illiterate person who they are obviously trying to attract does not know if this is a church or a kidney.

Then there are a few churches with such totally weird and wonderful names, that they are in a class by themselves. There is one church in California which is actually named "The Scum of The Earth." One of my Friends wants to name his church "The Walking Dead." If that doesn't get your attention, nothing will! No one can accuse them of being stuffy and traditional.

The more I think about it, the more I think that "Harvest Time" isn't a bad name for a church. At least they show some interest in people outside their circle, or at least their crop circle.